6 Steps to resolving relational conflict
Why you should be talking about a communication strategy.
Relationships are nice. They can be so nurturing to the body and the soul. Relationships often vary from intimate relationships with a spouse, partner or close friend to more casual acquaintances. One trait that each of these have in common is that to nurture a healthy relationship there is a certain amount of work involved. One area that is often overlooked is communication.
I realized that the reason a relationship is so prone to conflict instead of healthy communication flow, is that in relationships we often fall victim to the communication blackhole, the bottomless void of confusion and chaos. This is where most relationships head due to a lack of proper effort, information exchange and sharing of feelings. What often happens is we put on rose colored glasses, and ignore the problem by living in denial, or we appease each other with superficial gifts or fake behaviors that stand as temporary fixes instead of real healing. The truth is, relationship problems can’t be fixed with temporary plugging of leaks, bandages or any other makeshift technique. What is really needed is a relational communication strategy.
A plan is needed if there is any hope of resolving a conflict in a healthy and helpful manner.
These 6 strategies are useful if you want to escape the relational black hole and live with more hope and love with your spouse or partner.
1) Block out time
To open up dialogue with your partner you need to carve out some time to do it. So it is important to find the right time to talk. Pick a day and time, when both you and your partner are not distracted, occupied with something else or rushing between tasks. If need be, consider scheduling a time on your smartphone or scheduling app, if both are busy!
2) Start off being real
The road to conflict resolution starts with, well starting. A little obvious I know, but it’s the truth. And there is no better way to start then by making an agreement to be real, I mean really real. This is a little easier said than done.
To be real is agreeing to be authentic and totally honest. Often times being honest is scary because you allow yourself to be open and vulnerable, and you ask the same of your partner. But once you both can agree to starting the conversation with being “Real”, then you both will feel better and be on the path to a healthy dialogue exchange.
3) Figure out what you want to say
It is important that when you open up time for a dialogue exchange and want to share with any type of intention, you get really clear and focused on what you both want to say. After you have chosen to talk, there is a little homework to be done. Each person should make time to break down what each feels is the underlying problem causing the conflict, and some key points to how the conflict has made them feel and each has hurt one another. If need be, you can even write it down in key points or topics, to better organize what you are trying to convey to your partner or spouse. Now, before you say it, I know this process can be a little formal, but as I mentioned, relationship building takes work and effort. If you want any hope of living conflict free and with more love, then you ‘gotta’ work it, as they say.
4) Keep it on ‘I’ and ‘We”
To keep things civil and calm, set the terms of the discussion. It is important to create, not only a healthy dialogue exchange, but a safe one. Even when couples/partners agree to talk it can still fall into typical behaviors of accusations and judgements. In facilitating support groups one of the rules we have is to keep topics on the ‘I’. For example, say “I feel like we haven’t made time to be close lately” instead of “You are ignoring me.” An underlying goal of proper conflict resolution, is to make each other feel the agreement being entered is safe and without judgment; utilizing ‘I’ statements does this. ‘You’ statements can be often seen as attacking, which will make each partner defensive and less receptive to sharing or listening to what each is trying to convey.
5) Start with ‘what’ not ‘why’
In developing your list of concerns, you should phrase concerns with the ‘what’ not the ‘why’. People often tend to listen better when they understand the ‘what’ of the conversation opposed to the ‘why”. Essentially, when we fight or have a misunderstanding of some sort, what often happens is that there is some confusion to what initiated the conflict. It usually goes like this, there is the big fight, then you separate because of the frustration, then when alone all you can think of is, “What just happened?”, “What is happening to us?”, “What made he/she so mad?”
So to better open a healthy stream of dialogue of resolution, questions should be posed in the same manner in order to really get your partner to think. Some opening questions can be, “What made you so mad?”, “What do you think is the problem between us?”, “What can we do better?” The goal is to think more and argue less.
6) Allow Time
Give your partner time to process the concerns and change you’re calling for. This process takes time, as each will have to sit with what was said for a period of time. In some cases this might take several days, depending on the size and situation of the conflict/disagreement. To help facilitate this, you can each agree upon a set day when each of you will sit down and follow up with what was said, and what each other thinks is working.
Communicating isn’t always easy. At first, some of these tips may feel unnatural or awkward, but they will help you communicate better and build a healthy relationship.
So that’s it. The list is a primer to help you in resolving conflicts as painless as possible. Take your time with the list, as change doesn't happen overnight. As I mentioned, relationships take work and communication isn’t always easy, but if couples put in the effort, it will help nurture stress free relational living and build a healthy relationship.
Clear communication is a necessity in relationships of all kindS. Here’s why having a plan can make the process painless.
Warmly,
Ed