What my son taught me about work/life balance
Several years ago, I stopped working a traditional full time job and opted instead to take care of my son, while I juggled working from home. This is what I learned.
At first being at home with my son and not having to go to an "office" was a strange and hard adjustment. Life on constant call with a little one is demanding as your life is no longer your own. It was fulfilling work, but very exhausting, frustrating and, at times, very lonely. I filled my days with long walks in the park, mommy and me classes, which usually meant I was the only dad in the room, reading to my son, playing in our home making pillow forts, changing diapers and learning how to be a good dad.
In the time I was home with my son, I met so many working parents who were struggling with their roles at home and in the office. Each reported operating under a constant state of stress that prevented them from developing healthy relationships, emotional control, and personal fulfillment on the job and at home. In short, they were struggling with the elusive beast that is work/life balance.
Truth be told, at the time I too was struggling with balancing personal work goals and my duties in training a new life to eat, sleep, poop and and not have tantrums, which as any parent knows is no small feat. Also, having diminished time to myself, to focus on any related work projects, hobbies and relationships, was frustrating. I found self-management a challenge as my inner kid was in a constant state of grumpiness and anger, throwing the occasional inner tantrum when I couldn’t get my own way. Add to that the butting of heads between my son’s emotions and my own were evident as my household was in disarray. Disorganization and lack of structure caused everything to be thrown into chaos, and the more disorganized I was the more it impacted my home, my marriage and more importantly my son’s behavior.
I soon reached a crossroads where I knew things had to change; or more importantly I had to change. To better get a handle on my son’s needs I developed a rigid schedule on everything that encompassed his day. From the moment he awoke to the moment he went to sleep, (well for the few hours he tried then constantly attempted to escape the confines of his crib by jumping out like a felon escaping Alcatraz), I adhered to a tight outline of essentials to quickly prioritized his needs.
At first maintaining a detailed schedule was monotonous, as each day bleeds into the next, and you slowly feel as though you are stuck on a hamster wheel. But, I noticed the more I did it, the more my son’s behavior changed and the more manageable he was throughout the day. Also, I became calmer and more centered, it was very zen like. Slowly things at home started to fall into place. I was so happy with the changes I had made and the improvements I was seeing in myself and my son, I no longer resented being away from a traditional 9 to 5 workplace but instead found fulfillment and contentment. In a sense I found my balance.
It soon became apparent that shifting away from the office to be with my family helped me become more grounded and focused on what mattered most—family, health and faith. It’s easy to lose track of what’s really important when you’re faced with the challenges of pursuing a professional career every day. There’s always reasons to stay late and catch up on work that didn’t get done earlier in the day, sacrificing weekends to get more work done, or otherwise letting work pull you away from family and personal relationships.
In the course of being at home I slowly learned that in life, there will always be an increase in tasks and responsibilities, yet a decrease of time to accomplish them. But, it is how I manage myself in facing my responsibilities that will determine my level of success in managing my home and work/life.
I have been juggling my parent and professional roles for seven years now, and these six tips have helped me to manage them successfully.
6 Strategies for Balancing Work and Family Life:
1. Priorities
Prioritizing is critical to accomplishing your goals. Compiling a list of important ‘To Do’ items allows you to make decisions about which activities take precedence and which do not. Priorities set the course of focus on what is urgent and valuable in your life, if not then you will always feel frustrated that you missed something important for something less important. The highest priorities on my list that I rarely missed were: sleep (adequate naps), play (daily fun activities and exercise with my son) and food (timely feedings and snacks for more energy and less grumpiness). When my wife arrived home from work, then family dinner was important, no matter how loud my son was crying or fussing eating together was always a nightly priority.
2. Plan development and implementation
Once priorities are set, develop a plan of action that lets you accomplish your highest priorities. As my plan always included a detailed schedule of play, sleep, eating and quality time with my son, the work then was to make sure I completed those items to better meet the needs of each priority. Play meant finding age appropriate parks, playgrounds and facilities for play, as well as making time for activities at home. Naps were essential as I made sure I had plenty of time to get home so my son could have quality rest in his crib and not an uncomfortable restless nap in his stroller. Meals meant making time to pack appropriate food, drinks and snacks so my son, and I, could have the proper levels of nourishment to carry us throughout the day. At the end of the day, I always tried to have this list compiled and ready for review as my wife wanted to know how his day was, and what his eating schedule was like. This allowed her to feel more involved in his day. After which, we then always had dinner together, moody baby or not.
3. Discipline yourself
The most challenging part of executing a plan this detailed was being disciplined enough to actually meet every goal in a timely manner. Now granted, there will always be the occasional monkey wrench in the plans, like a sick child, a locked playground or forgetting the bottles, or the wife working late at the office. Those times will certainly test your focus and patience. However, you can handle Murphy’s Law if your discipline is unwavering and you stick to your plan.
4. Grit, Sacrifice and the One
As the saying goes, “for the plan to work, you must work the plan.” This means you must be dedicated to putting in 100% effort and make the needed sacrifices to be an efficient and effective self-manager. To carve out some sense of work, as I wanted to keep my skills and training as a psychotherapist as fresh as possible, I tried to make time for opportunities to serve as a therapeutic consultant to cases and individuals in need of guidance and support. Now in order to do this I needed to find time, a very scarce commodity in the parenting game, especially in the infant years of a child’s life. For me, this meant working during nap time, working late at night when my son and wife went to sleep, and sacrificing social activities with friends in order to facilitate weekly wellness groups at a local hospital. In addition, since time was very limited, it also meant finding one, and only one, focused work activity per day.
5. All or nothing
LIfe balance is never effective when you are splitting your work and personal goals by multi-tasking. This is an unproductive habit that often leads to failure, both as a parent and as a professional. People usually are under the impression that the more taken on, then the more that can be accomplished. What I learned is it’s important to not get everything done but the right things done. When I'm with my son, I'm all-in, laser focused on quality time and at home development with him. Children crave attention, and they're the first to let you know when you are distracted or ignoring them. Then when it’s time for some work, I gave everything I could to lead myself as focused and productively as possible.
6. Measure
The measures of success are very different in the workplace and at home. Success at work is usually measured by results. At home, it's the opposite. A truly successful home life is more about dedicated time not dedicated results. We have a saying, “A happy momma, a happy home.” I know that my wife enjoys when we are all together, vibing and laughing. I see my son, and he loves joking around, laughing and having fun with mom and pop. That quality time eases everything in the house, it lessens tension and brings in an air of love and tranquility that makes everything feel good. So, when my wife turns to me and says, “I like this, us being all happy”, then job accomplished, because seeing her happy makes me happy, and that is how success is measured in my home.