Are you truly in control of your life? Do you live in a state of "I have to"? We all do, don't we? A majority of our decisions are started by these three words. But did you know that we give up a certain amount of personal power every time we say "I have to"?
We often approach certain life changes by what we "have" to do. If it pertains to a job that no longer gives us joy, we say "I have to find a new job". If we are uncomfortable about our bodies, we say " I have to lose weight." Or it can even pertain to learning something new like a language or a skill. Most often we start it by saying "I have to learn Italian" or “I have to learn SnapChat”.
But who says we have to? Where is it written that we have to do anything? In a sense this is self sabotage. By stating " I have to" we often give control to this imaginary boss that forces us to do things. And what happens when we are usually forced to do something? We just end up not wanting to do it, and ultimately not doing anything at all.
If you’re anything like me, your first thought after making this statement is you proceed to let loose the ANTs. No, not the small annoying bugs that can often ruin a good picnic, but the "Automatic Negative Thoughts", that are often crawling around unchecked in your head. These ANTs are annoying and automatic, which make them very hard to fight against, and they usually sound like this, “I’m not good enough. I can’t do it. I’ll never be able to do it. I'm going to fail. Everyone is better than me.” Do any of these sound familiar? I bet they do.
These ANTs run rampant in all of us from time to time. They can be very overwhelming, because these ANTs slowly get louder and louder, and their voice drowns out any realistic thinking you may have, until you start believing and accepting what they are saying is the reality of the situation. That acceptance now holds you captive, and you relinquish all control.
Feeling mad yet? You should. Because this is NOT how it has to be. We have been programmed to always look at the negative, the deficits. But we can regain control, we can overcome these ANTs by simply stomping them out.
I offer the following ANT stomping techniques to live bug free.
Make positive thinking a daily practice
Now this one may be a little hard, so expect some resistance. Start everyday with developing positive patterns of thinking. One that has always served me well, and that I teach to clients, is focusing on one good thing daily. Now, your one good thing can literally be anything, but the caveat is that it is a "thing" that is positive, or gives you joy, no matter how small. Did you get a good night's sleep? Well your "one thing" could be being grateful for your bed. Does the sun feel good when you step outside? Then your "one thing" could be really enjoying the warmth, and brightness of the sun. This is how positive thinking works. By focusing on one good thing everyday, you build new stronger neural pathways of positive thought, which help replace old tapes (internalized negative cognitions). The practice will slowly develop into a ritual of positive cognitive conditioning. In essence it will help you always think happy thoughts.
Prepare for Battle
Everyday prepare for war. Ok that may be a little dramatic, but you must prepare for resistance. Now it's totally normal to feel some resistance. Remember what we are trying to do is implement a new system of thinking, a process that undoes years of internalized negative programming. So in the beginning it is going to be challenging, and you will feel fear accompanied by resistance. Don't panic, just breathe. Calm now? Good.
Now the good news is that when you feel resistance it is a sign that it's working. Your brain is building the right paths that will assist you in developing a more controlled self.
Change your Mindset
Set your mind to “what”, not “how”. Trust that you will figure it out, whatever obstacle it may be. It is important to remember that you have a hidden resiliency that has brought you this far in your life. You want that part to come to the surface. I want you to focus on the resources you’ll be utilizing in achieving what your want to do, what tools you’ll need to be living out the goals of the day, not how you’re going to make it happen. The logistics at this point are irrelevant, and if you dwell on them too much then the control slips right away, your brainstorming will come to a close, and the ANTS win. Remember those guys?
What do you Value?
Ask yourself, "What’s important to me?" Take your time with this because that answer is the barometer you can use for each decision you face. If your values include personal worth, health, and possibly serenity, then like a compass, your barometer with likely point you in the direction of those goals. If it's health then it may be replacing your morning coffee with a green smoothie, and serenity could be you topping off the day with a daily routine of yoga or meditation, instead of binge watching your favorite TV show.
By making this a daily practice you will slowly find yourself automatically triggering an inner resourcefulness to everyday challenging situations, a resourcefulness fueled by positive self thought and self efficacy.
I hope this post has served you today.
Ed