So it may start like this…
You’re running late for work and the line at your local coffee shop is a mile long. You keep staring at your watch as the line moves at a snail's pace. Then you reach for your phone, and suddenly someone cuts you in line. You stand in amazement as you cannot believe what has happened. Or, you need to pick up one important item from the store. The parking lot is full and in the distance you see it, one small empty parking space. You floor it, then out of nowhere a car cuts in front of you and snatches the space with the driver quickly exiting, shrugging their arms and giving you that “tough luck” look.
Or, if you’re a parent, you’ve probably been at your local park with your child, it’s crowded and it’s time to leave. You’re probably exhausted from lack of sleep and lack of proper nourishment. All you want to do is get home, put the kid down for a nap, and catch 10 minutes of rest. You then, slowly make your way to your child and tell them “It’s time to go” and then, out of nowhere, he/she erupts into a frenetic, banshee like tantrum, right in the middle of the park.
All of these situations result in the same thing, rage. And, not just any rage but instead a hot, intensity that brews in the pit of your stomach, like a scolding furnace about to erupt into a blazing inferno. It is hard to manage, as the amygdala in your brain kicks into overdrive flooding your body with high amounts of adrenaline. It is at this point you feel your hands curl up into sweaty fists, your eyes start to twitch and your face begins to tighten into an unpleasant grimace. What follows are a series of short labored breaths, spouting out your nose like smokestacks, making you look like a bull about to charge a matador. You’re pumped and ready to go, it’s on. You are angry!
Your body has just entered into an over stimulated, adrenalized state. In this hyper aggressive state, you fight the urge to retaliate, scream or punch something. This is anger and left unchecked, you literally could see yourself hurting someone. Anger is one of the hardest impulses to control and one of our most primal and basic emotions. It lies at the very heart of our survival, as well as serving as motivation to protect against predatory forces that stand to threaten family, home and security. From the first person who walked the earth and had to compete with other cavemen for food and shelter, to today's corporate executive who has to compete for a coveted promotion to parents everywhere trying to balance children and work; anger has played a significant role in our development as a species.
But the interesting thing is, even though anger has been with us throughout our evolutionary development, it is the one emotion that almost everyone, especially men, struggles to manage and control.
As a man living and working in New York City, anger is an emotion I know all too well, the constant struggle with the high cost of living, to the pressure of balancing a busy career, family life, and personal well-being. Add to that dealing everyday with people who seemed more tuned in to their cell phones instead of paying attention to the environment around them. Life in New York City moves fast, and if you don’t move with it, well you can get run over.
Now don’t get me wrong, I love New York, it has been my home for the better part of three decades, and it is the place I have chosen to live and raise my son. There are many perks to living here. It is a vast playground and a visual feast for the culturally curious. But it is a place that can be pretty intense to live, work and even play in. It is also a place that boils over with many different personality types and moods.
When you have a melting pot of all these different personality types, it can often result in people unintentionally erupting at the smallest things. Why? Because at the heart of anger lie expectations, the belief that things or people should behave or respond the way we want. As one can imagine, expectations can lead to a lot of frustration. The truth of the matter is, no person or situation can or has to respond to the way we want. People will act as they see fit, with the hopeful outcome being that their actions will result in an outcome that falls in line with something you want or need. Unfortunately life rarely works out this way, and when people or situations do not yield the results we want, it can lead to accumulation of built-up stress, resentment, edginess and quick to snap behavior. Scientific research has shown that anger often times feeds on itself, playing out a cycle where each angry situation builds on the next resulting in a backlog of irritations. Therefore, it is key to know how to break the hostility cycle early on.
So What Do You Do?
If you're among the many individuals who struggle with anger, or at the least you're a person who tends to have more unhappy days than most, you might hold impossible expectations for yourself and others and live in a constant state of continual disappointment. Living in this state is not healthy, because you cannot change everybody else and the attempt to do so can be extremely time and energy consuming.
Here are some techniques to help you stay calm:
1) Avoid activating events/triggers
It is important to be aware. As soon as you set those feet on the ground when you get out of bed, prepare yourself for the day. Mentally envision how events are going to play out as soon as you begin your daily sojourn to work. Like the coffee house example I cited earlier, if you know your local coffee house gets really crowded in the morning, causing you to get mad, then maybe avoid that particular coffee house and go to one that is less occupied. I know what you might be saying here, “But Ed you don’t understand, my local coffee house has the best, mocha/frapa/latte/chino that I can’t get anywhere else!” Well, honestly I feel your pain, as an avid java drinker, I understand the joy of getting your favorite coffee drink from that barista who makes it just right. But sometimes sacrifices need to be made. But don’t look at it as giving up your local coffeehouse instead look at it as an opportunity to try out a new place. Or better yet, adjust your schedule to grab your coffee at a less busy time, making it into a treat.
2) Step away
Learn the early signs of intense hostile emotions. Using the example of the parking lot scenario, if you know that your local mall, store or restaurant has a rather packed parking lot with limited spaces, then try to park farther away, where spots are readily available. Yes, you will have to walk a little but it beats having to get into a fight with someone, thus ruining that special date with your spouse or family time with the kids. The work again is to try to identify the red flags, signs that you’re starting to get anxious, tense or annoyed. Learning to read the signs and stepping away before feelings escalate, you can better make a plan to calm yourself and prevent your irritation from escalating.
3) Don’t dwell, so you don’t swell
It’s easier said than done to try to prevent certain scenarios before they happen, but the truth of the matter is sometimes situations just occur, whether we want them to or not. People will be rude, mean and sometimes nasty to you. Remember those expectations I mentioned, well no where is it written that people have to be nice to each other. Yes, it’s nice when they do, but that's because they have made a conscious decision to do so. So having said that, when a particular person or situation treats you less than favorable, it’s important to try and not carry it with you all day. Honestly, I fall victim to this more times than I can mention, sometimes ruminating on the ‘hows’ and ‘whys’ surrounding how some mean salesperson gave me attitude, or how some rude guy totally bumped into me and completely walked away, without so much as an apology.
People have a habit of trying to find some logic to the incident that made them angry, frustrated or annoyed. In my opinion, that’s an unproductive strategy. Why? Because there is no logic, therein lies the rub. Life is full of uncertainty, and the same goes for people as well. Nowhere is it written that any person, place or thing has to act, present itself or work in any guaranteed way. All you can control in life is how YOU act and how YOU think. Instead of rehashing any one incident, just make a conscious decision to let go of it. Take control of yourself, and make a pact to not let it ruin the precious time you have on this planet. Instead make a choice to focus on things you appreciate about any person, place or thing.
Some of the work I do with clients who struggle with anger management, is a technique known as cognitive restructuring. It involves helping a client prone to angry outbursts to stop ruminating on thoughts surrounding people or situations that have wronged them and instead, replace unproductive negative thought concepts with more manageable, productive ones. For example, if someone bumps into you, forcing you to drop your coffee, instead of thinking “My coffee is gone, now my day is just ruined” instead tell yourself “It’s frustrating that I dropped my coffee, but it’s not the worst thing that can happen.” It is important to note, that the world is not out to get you, just your coffee (Just kidding.)
4) Accept and Let Go
Acceptance is a skill that requires patience. Acceptance requires us to consciously acknowledge that we have done all we could to change, control, or manage any given situation at any one time. It is a valuable life tool that helps reinforce the reality that when triggers occur there is nothing more that can be done except to embrace situational challenges as they come and accept the reality of what is, not what COULD BE or SHOULD BE.
5) Relax and Breathe
In my sessions, the one challenge I see most of my clients struggle with is the inability to simply breathe and relax. Relaxation strategies, such as deep, controlled, rhythmic breathing and relaxing positive image focusing, can assist to calm angry feelings. But, like everything learned, the key is repetitive practice. First, it is important to recognize the difference between healthy and unhealthy breathing. At the offset of an activating event, the body often kicks into quick, shallow breathing, this is not breathing. This type of breathing is what is often referred to as “Angry Breath.” This short breathing only intensifies angry feelings and frustration. Try to develop a daily practice of controlled baby breathing; slow breaths that come up from your belly instead of your chest. This practice is the first, healthy step to productive anger management. The management infers a method or practice to be learned or incorporated into a habit, and the best way to do that is through conscious repetitive practice. Daily breathing, coupled with positive imagery, the technique of focusing on a relaxing or positive experiences from your memory or past will make situations easier when angry feelings manifest.
When it comes to anger management, the list can oftentimes be extensive. Hopefully these simple steps can be your starting guide to proper management of angry and hostile feelings. In conclusion, angry feelings cannot simply be eliminated, but instead they can be controlled. By making changes to the way triggering events affect you, and the ways in which you choose to respond, you can keep your anger and rage in check, making it easier on your personal relationships and for your emotional and physical health too.
I hope you find these tips helpful. Use this insight as fuel to discover who you actually are beneath those angry feelings and create new, positive behavioral patterns that will propel you toward more positive goals.
As always, I would like to hear your thoughts. How is your anger? Do struggle with anger? Do you struggle with managing angry feelings? Whatever your concerns or questions may be, shoot me an email, or let me know in the comments below.
As always, be well.
Ed