Men are funny creatures. We constantly live in denial that we feel, or have feelings. The truth of the matter is we feel more than we let on.
Take sports. Anyone watching sports in a local bar or pub can see the true extent of how we feel, especially if our team is not winning. During the course of a standard game, we will often exhibit a wide range of emotions. From disappointment and rage, to the exuberance of a well executed spiral right into the endzone signaling a winning touchdown – the sports field is more than sufficient proof that men have feelings and they are powerful.
Most men that I see in my practice have lost touch with their emotional side, often times denying the importance of feelings or the relevance of emotional feelings in their daily lives. This denial is a common repetitive mental “recording” that replays itself over and over during the course of a male's lifetime. The root of this denial has origins in a male’s developmental process, as he grows from childhood to adulthood. In the course of a male’s lifetime, parents often teach their boys to cut off from emotional sensitivity and response, all in an effort to become more resilient, brave or “tough”. When a boy falls, what sometimes follows is a conditioning that usually sounds like this, “Come on, that didn’t hurt, shake it off.” Or worse yet, if a boy fails at a task and experiences an emotional outburst, what usually follows is, “Boys don’t cry! You have to cut that out and man up.”
Upon growing up, these “men of stone” may experience nervous breakdowns, depression or debilitating bouts of anxiety. To manage, or to “man up”, many men numb themselves with substance or alcohol abuse, all in an effort to suppress the psychological distress they may be experiencing.
From blue collar, to white collar and everything in between, there is no denying that feelings are powerful. Feelings exist as the lifeblood that is essential to our survival as well as fuel the motivation to work toward and achieve success.
So then what are we left with? Essentially if most men grow up being told to not feel, then it only stands to reason that most men will constantly “tell” themselves that feelings don’t matter, forcing them to live in a repressed feeling state thus challenging their leadership roles and impacting the ability to manage success and live a successful life. Why? Because the right thoughts can motivate us in positive ways, just as negative thoughts can cause unhealthy behaviors and actions. Our thoughts cause our feelings, our feelings lead to actions, leading to our actions creating results, which then hopefully leads to success. This cycle is on a constant loop, always playing out in our lives, whether it is conscious or subconscious.
Unfortunately we live in a state of negativity and pessimism. Positivity is often not encouraged, merely the importance of fortitude and diligence. Many have not been trained to look at the benefits of meeting a challenge, instead some have merely learned irrational beliefs enforcing that we are somehow not good enough, lovable or important, or that we don’t matter and will therefore be doomed to a lifetime of emptiness, isolation and failure.
What we tell ourselves about any challenge, obstacle or setback will determine what we do next. It is what WE tell OURSELVES, always. There are two schools of thought that ultimately lead to either successful results or failure. When the challenge appears, do you tell yourself I can or I can’t? One leads to achievement, the other leads to discouragement.
Have you ever stopped to question these beliefs? Have you ever looked into the perspectives that you carry about yourself and about life? Have you ever questioned their truth or validity? In my sessions, the key question I always ask my male clients when these irrational beliefs arise is, “Is this true? Are these thoughts helpful? Who would you be if they didn’t exist?”
So simple, right? Just think good thoughts and success will follow. No, because working on watching your thoughts takes an enormous amount of effort and one that must be done on a consistent basis. Consistency is key because challenges will happen everyday, and the thoughts will fly fast.
Remember this, every morning you arise to a new day, and in doing so you make an unconscious decision to live. You just have to truly OWN that decision and not just take it for granted as something you HAVE to do but instead something you WANT to do. When you do, that’s when the work comes in. As I mentioned, consistency is the key, because when you own that decision then you really open yourself to an amazing opportunity to be the master of your success in whatever form it takes; to take ownership of your thoughts by letting go of unproductive, limiting beliefs thus freeing yourself from a caged life.
Take a moment after you finish reading this article to contemplate what it would be like to not carry these beliefs anymore, or better yet dispute what does not serve you.
Who would you be if you no longer carried the belief that there’s something wrong with you, or that you’re not good enough, or that you’re not important, don’t matter or better yet, “don’t feel”? How would you think? How would you interact in the world? What would life be like for you?
Use this insight as fuel to discover who you actually are beneath those false limiting beliefs and create new, positive thought patterns that propel you forward toward the positive goals you have set for yourself.
As always, I would like to hear your thoughts. How is your thinking? Do struggle with your success goals? Do you struggle with negative thinking? Whatever your concerns or questions may be, shoot me an email, or let me know in the comments below.
As always, be well.
Ed