In between thought provoking sessions with clients, I often spend time playing with my son in the park, and watching him thrive in his child world. In the sea of mommies and nannies, you don’t see many men. Today was a refreshing change of pace as I happened upon a fellow dad in the park. He seemed nice, and I introduced myself in my usual enthusiastic manner. He was a pleasant enough fellow, but a little sullen, which could mean one of two things. He was either a sleep-deprived parent, very common in the parenting world, or it was personal. Well it seemed that it was indeed personal and he was a little down because of it. Through our conversation I discovered he was a stay at home dad not by choice but because he had been laid off.
He reported having a tough time without work and being unemployed prevented him from being more ‘present’ at home and in the daily life of his son. He shared that he likes the time he now has with his son but he feels somewhat adrift and lost basically because he does not know who he is without a job or a professional identity. I encouraged him to appreciate the roles he may not be acknowledging, like father, husband and caretaker, three very important roles that trump any corporate job title in my humble opinion. He responded that he didn’t think he offered much at home. I asked him, “Do you play with your kid? Do you make time to be with your wife? Do you hug her when she needs a hug? Do you hug your boy? Are you home when you need to be?” He answered yes to all of these.
I believe many of us often overlook the key leadership roles we play in our personal relationships. This poor individual was not allowing himself to fully own his other identities outside of work. It is important to note that a job is not the only place a person works. We are all very active participants in various roles in the relationships that make up our world. If you do your best as a parent or partner, then you have an identity in your home. You are important just solely for being present in your home, and in the lives of your family and friends, a fact I presented to this man in an effort to offer some support and insight. After several moments, He paused, and replied…”You know I never looked at it that way before.”
And that lack of looking, or of truly perceiving, is the key factor in why I feel most individuals become vulnerable to ‘work engulfment’, a dependency derived from the belief that one can only exist within the context of a certain role. In the aftermath of a loss of employment this engulfment can stir up a sense of identity crisis. During this crisis we can feel as though there is a gap or empty space in our sense of self. Left unchecked, a person can experience feelings of anxiety, low self-esteem, depression, loss of self-confidence and isolation, all of which erode our ability to truly connect in the relationships that make up our work/life.
We continued to chat and I did all I could to help. I sat and listened to him, and allowed him space to vent and just be with his pain and frustration. In ending I told him that I appreciated our time together and valued his company. On my usual walk home through the park, while my son ate his Cheerios (kids sure do love those) all the while belting out Jingle Bells (yes he loves Christmas songs too) I recapped the conversation in my mind. Slowly I felt a pulling at my heart. I truly felt for this man who had felt that a job robbed him of his sense of self. It is unfortunate that for so many individuals, we have been conditioned to allow certain types of employment to be in a position to give us a sense of identity and self value.
The loss of a job does not mean the loss of an identity and sense of self, and our emotional well-being does not rely on external validation but instead depends on how we feel about ourselves.
A loss can be a time for growth and self change. In the moment, the loss is unfortunate but the same initiative that helped get you that job is the same one that will help get you another one. In facing a challenge, people actually have the ability to thrive and discover possibilities to adapt. Transitioning between jobs may result in a different work venue but not a lesser version of oneself. The beliefs and values that you live by will define who you are. If you choose a career path that is congruent with these core values then you will find professional success and personal contentment. If you move into an environment which is in direct opposition to those values and beliefs then that work environment will be uncomfortable.
So dear readers, if you know someone who is unemployed and having a rough time adjusting, or a mom or dad who feels as if they are not being seen or appreciated, reach out to them and reassure them that they are not only appreciated but valued. Assure them that you appreciate them not for their profession but for who they are personally. I think that would be nice.
See on the next post,
Ed