“It isn’t what you have, or who you are, or where you are, or what you are doing that makes you happy or unhappy. It is what you think about.”- Dale Carnegie
Many people spend a great deal of time lost in thought. Our minds are many times filled with an ongoing running commentary replaying itself in the background. A majority of all of our desire to consistently move forward toward our goals and our emotional well being is driven by what we tell ourselves, and what we believe.
The ever constant pursuit of more fulfilling employment, recognition, more influence and increased financial wealth, all of it comes down to how healthy our self talk is. So how healthy is our self talk? On average not very good. Why? Because human behavior is not conditioned to focus on strengths but instead is trained to focus on mistakes, weaknesses, fears and negativity. A bummer, right?
In this state of negative focusing, the mind slowly builds a series of patterns that often result in a continuous loop of unhealthy thought processes. Unchecked, these patterns can have a detrimental effect on your health and may prompt a need to escape or self-medicate with drugs, alcohol, food, sex and various risky behaviors. In an article written by the Mayo Clinic ( Positive thinking: Stop negative self-talk to reduce stress) self-talk that solely focuses on negative attributes can induce physical as well as emotional stress, harming your cardiovascular health, gut health and immune system. Think about that for a second, gut health. Next time you have that nagging tummy ache, instead of reaching for the nearest bottle of antacid, maybe you should stop and question what you have been telling yourself.
As challenging as self-talk can be the good news is that you can control what you think. And, if you practice a diligent habit of self awareness, you can replace any negative self-talk with a more positive and productive dialogue. This diligence will pay off because if your self-talk is strength based, meaning it has a focus on life successes and otherwise positive self thoughts, then you will feel better about yourself and you’ll increase your motivation to overcome situational life stressors and obstacles. As a whole, your life will become more enjoyable and fulfilling. To put it simply, more good thoughts, less tummy aches.
It is important to note as with any mental conditioning, the work to stop negative self-talk will not be instantaneous, and like anything else will take effort and patience. But with enough practice it gets easier over time. Please consider the following steps a beginning guide for developing healthy self talk. I have utilized them with clients and have found them to be very helpful, and hope you do as well.
practice awareness and patience
Much of our lives is run on autopilot, so the job everyday is to pay close attention to the mental chatter that occurs in our response to situational stressors. The goal is to not let your thoughts run away from you. Learn to rein them in. Much like a dog on a leash, it is important to tug a little to show who is in control. As you become aware of your thought patterns remember to be patient with yourself; your mind is an archive of years of mental chatter and changing your thinking patterns may take time.
Be careful not to “DEMAND” too much
Much of our thought patterns are often knee jerk reactions to situations, and as such can be instantaneous. In my sessions, my clients often ask why aren’t there signals or signs to alert them to the oncoming wave of negative self-talk. The good news is there are in fact “red flags” to warn us, much of which go unnoticed in our everyday vernacular, and they can significantly shape our mental processes and impact our feelings. These red flags are grounded in extremes and fall into the criteria of “Demandingness” and sound like this: I must, I have to, I should, I can’t. Sound familiar? Demandingness is a core irrational belief that represents intense demands which are not based in reality. These statements can many times be combated by simply focusing on the things you can change and accepting what you cannot.
Don’t make it personal.
An event that isn’t entirely within your control becomes your fault because you see yourself as the cause of some negative external event which in fact you were not primarily responsible for. At work if your team fails to meet a deadline, you may tell yourself “ I am a poor leader”, instead of focusing on what went wrong and correcting the error. At home if your son or daughter receives a poor grade in school, you as a parent, may tell yourself that this shows what a bad parent you are, instead of helping your child understand what he/she did wrong. Personalization is sneaky as it can commonly lead to feelings of shame, inadequacy and guilt. Feelings that can nag at you and undermine your performance at home and work.
Start questioning your self-talk
The top three I always advocate starting with are:
1) Is there actual evidence for what I’m thinking?
2) Is there a more positive way of looking at this?
3) Can I do anything to change what I’m feeling bad about?
Questioning your self-talk will assist in assessing the reality, and more importantly the truth, of any given situation. For example, a mistake at work earns you the label of “loser” or “failure” in your own mind. Questioning challenges that thinking and helps dispute what is not real. Labels are erroneous abstractions that serve little purpose other than to lower self-esteem and live in constant frustration.
relax and write it down.
Practice relaxation and journaling to assist in slowing down and managing your thought patterns. Developing a daily relaxation practice is very beneficial for general health and stress reduction. As part of a dedicated relaxation practice I advise clients to include journaling. Keeping a written record can help clarify thoughts, emotional responses to obstacles and keep track of your progress over time. Many experts have written about journaling, and as such, there is a myriad of approaches to go about proper record keeping and its benefits. How I approach the process of journaling, and it efficacy, is outlined in three simple stratagems.
Describe what you will do to improve a particular situation.
Record what you can do to improve how you experience it
Record and reflect on how you can make the facing situation more pleasant, less uncomfortable and more manageable
The purpose of combining relaxation and journaling is to clear the mind of any clutter that might clog up the process of strategic self-talk. By freeing up space in your mind with more optimistic self dialogue, it allows the mind to focus and utilize untapped self-management resources for any particular situational task at hand.
Question: Which of these steps do you need to focus on developing next to increase your self-talk? You can leave a comment below.
Until next time, be well.
Ed Munoz