3 STEPS TO SLOW DOWN

Are you a get it done type of person? I am. I love nothing better than setting up a task and checking it off as done. But as a busy working dad, life can get pretty complicated, especially with the growing demands of home and work. True life balance is challenging, and there are many priorities vying for our attention. In the early years of juggling working from home and raising my son, life was frenetic. And, the more the more I took on, the less that was actually accomplished. It lead to a frustrating and exhausting experience.

Habits are an important part of managing work/life balance. Through my son, I learned that children are beings of routine, and thrive in the constant habitual routines that run their day. Essentially, once you lock down the daily habits that are needed to tend to their needs, then you will be a more confident and effective self-manager. To better get things done throughout the day, I utilized habit forming as a means of slowing down and focusing on the tasks that needed to get done. Habit forming is an essential tool I used to help me keep on track and build productivity in and out of the home.

In the early stages of a child’s life, their world is very robotic, as their naps, meals and playtime all happen at repetitive daily intervals. As they fall into habits so too does the parent. Habits are very useful; if you integrate a motivating habit in your daily routine, then it will assist you in overcoming other more challenging tasks in other areas of your life. At the core, if something is a habit, then you don’t have to think about doing it, you just do it.

I offer the following 3 techniques to get you started:

1) Accountability and Commitment

Make a decision on what you want to get done and commit to it. Then, to help motivate you to accomplish your task, spread the word and make yourself accountable. Start with telling friends and relatives about it, involve your spouse or personal community and share it. This way the more people who know about it the more you will be encouraged, motivated and dedicated to doing it. It is important to note that there is no sense of making a commitment if you are not 100% intentional about it. So decide, commit and stand by your decisions.

2) Create a Habit

So now that the decision is made, and you are ready to start, then decide exactly what the habit will be and when you will do it. Set a self plan or personal scheduler, to get the habit going and on a consistent schedule. To begin, keep it simple. Whip out a notebook and a pen and get to scheduling. In our every changing world of fancy tech tools and social media outlets, nothing beats some old school tools. Simple tools are cheap, reliable and force you to focus. Smartphones are good options as well but can be distracting as you’re constantly fighting the urge to check emails or the various notifications that pop up on screen.

The simplicity of a blank page forces the mind to focus on one concept at a time, in a linear format. Personally speaking I found using a notebook to journal all of my daily tasks quite helpful. My daily notebook was where I chronicled everything that made up my working/daddy day. From getting up, to making the bed, to brushing my teeth and to helping pick out the outfits for my son, all is written out in a nice list that I check off as done. Now life can get pretty busy fast, so choose tasks that are doable and easy. One habit that I use to start off on the right foot is making sure my bed is made every morning. Yes, yes I know, making your bed really? This is a simple task but when it is done, it allows me to mentally check it off, and motivates me to get the next task completed. I utilize smaller habits to motivate me to get the the bigger ones done. But once the habit is created, stick to it no matter what.

3) Life is made up of Small accomplishments

This is when being creative comes into play. In our daily life we accomplish so many small tasks but rarely acknowledge them. As I mentioned above, I utilize making my bed as a start to prepare me for the larger tasks ahead. I then proceed with other daily tasks, eating breakfast, laying out clothes, helping my son get ready for school, replying to emails; all done in a linear, rhythmic pattern, to move me forward. Too often we focus on the mistakes and failures of our lives. Little thought is given to the small successes and accomplishments throughout our daily routines. The reality is we usually achieve much more than we think in the course of our life. Personally speaking, I know these activities serve as tangible reminders to direct my mind to where I want it to be, which is to slow down, think things through and get things done.

Is habit forming something you are actively working on? What creative tools do you use? What tool connects who you are with the new habit you are creating?

Let me know,

Ed Munoz

WHAT MY SON TAUGHT ME ABOUT WORK/LIFE BALANCE

What my son taught me about work/life balance

Several years ago, I stopped working a traditional full time job and opted instead to take care of my son, while I juggled working from home.  This is what I learned.

At first being at home with my son and not having to go to an "office" was a strange and hard adjustment. Life on constant call with a little one is demanding as your life is no longer your own. It was fulfilling work, but very exhausting, frustrating and, at times, very lonely.  I filled my days with long walks in the park, mommy and me classes, which usually meant I was the only dad in the room, reading to my son, playing in our home making pillow forts, changing diapers and learning how to be a good dad.

In the time I was home with my son, I met so many working parents who were struggling with their roles at home and in the office. Each reported operating under a constant state of stress that prevented them from developing healthy relationships, emotional control, and personal fulfillment on the job and at home.  In short, they were struggling with the elusive beast that is work/life balance.

Truth be told, at the time I too was struggling with balancing personal work goals and my duties in training a new life to eat, sleep, poop and and not have tantrums, which as any parent knows is no small feat.  Also, having diminished time to myself, to focus on any related work projects, hobbies and relationships, was frustrating. I found self-management a challenge as my inner kid was in a constant state of grumpiness and anger, throwing the occasional inner tantrum when I couldn’t get my own way.  Add to that the butting of heads between my son’s emotions and my own were evident as my household was in disarray. Disorganization and lack of structure caused everything to be thrown into chaos, and the more disorganized I was the more it impacted my home, my marriage and more importantly my son’s behavior.  

I soon reached a crossroads where I knew things had to change; or more importantly I had to change.  To better get a handle on my son’s needs I developed a rigid schedule on everything that encompassed his day.  From the moment he awoke to the moment he went to sleep, (well for the few hours he tried then constantly attempted to escape the confines of his crib by jumping out like a felon escaping Alcatraz), I adhered to a tight outline of essentials to quickly prioritized his needs.  

At first maintaining a detailed schedule was monotonous, as each day bleeds into the next, and you slowly feel as though you are stuck on a hamster wheel.  But, I noticed the more I did it, the more my son’s behavior changed and the more manageable he was throughout the day. Also, I became calmer and more centered, it was very zen like.  Slowly things at home started to fall into place. I was so happy with the changes I had made and the improvements I was seeing in myself and my son, I no longer resented being away from a traditional 9 to 5 workplace but instead found fulfillment and contentment.  In a sense I found my balance.

It soon became apparent that shifting away from the office to be with my family helped me become more grounded and focused on what mattered most—family, health and faith. It’s easy to lose track of what’s really important when you’re faced with the challenges of pursuing a professional career every day. There’s always reasons to stay late and catch up on work that didn’t get done earlier in the day, sacrificing weekends to get more work done, or otherwise letting work pull you away from family and personal relationships.  

In the course of being at home I slowly learned that in life, there will always be an increase in tasks and responsibilities, yet a decrease of time to accomplish them. But, it is how I manage myself in facing my responsibilities that will determine my level of success in managing my home and work/life.  

I have been juggling my parent and professional roles for seven years now, and these six tips have helped me to manage them successfully.

6 Strategies for Balancing Work and Family Life:

1. Priorities
Prioritizing is critical to accomplishing your goals. Compiling a list of important ‘To Do’ items allows you to make decisions about which activities take precedence and which do not. Priorities set the course of focus on what is urgent and valuable in your life, if not then you will always feel frustrated that you missed something important for something less important. The highest priorities on my list that I rarely missed were: sleep (adequate naps), play (daily fun activities and exercise with my son) and food (timely feedings and snacks for more energy and less grumpiness).  When my wife arrived home from work, then family dinner was important, no matter how loud my son was crying or fussing eating together was always a nightly priority.

2. Plan development and implementation
Once priorities are set, develop a plan of action that lets you accomplish your highest priorities. As my plan always included a detailed schedule of play, sleep, eating and quality time with my son, the work then was to make sure I completed those items to better meet the needs of each priority. Play meant finding age appropriate parks, playgrounds and facilities for play, as well as making time for activities at home.  Naps were essential as I made sure I had plenty of time to get home so my son could have quality rest in his crib and not an uncomfortable restless nap in his stroller. Meals meant making time to pack appropriate food, drinks and snacks so my son, and I, could have the proper levels of nourishment to carry us throughout the day. At the end of the day, I always tried to have this list compiled and ready for review as my wife wanted to know how his day was, and what his eating schedule was like.  This allowed her to feel more involved in his day. After which, we then always had dinner together, moody baby or not.

3. Discipline yourself
The most challenging part of executing a plan this detailed was being disciplined enough to actually meet every goal in a timely manner. Now granted, there will always be the occasional monkey wrench in the plans, like a sick child, a locked playground or forgetting the bottles, or the wife working late at the office.  Those times will certainly test your focus and patience. However, you can handle Murphy’s Law if your discipline is unwavering and you stick to your plan.

4. Grit, Sacrifice and the One
As the saying goes, “for the plan to work, you must work the plan.”  This means you must be dedicated to putting in 100% effort and make the needed sacrifices to be an efficient and effective self-manager.  To carve out some sense of work, as I wanted to keep my skills and training as a psychotherapist as fresh as possible, I tried to make time for opportunities to serve as a therapeutic consultant to cases and individuals in need of guidance and support.  Now in order to do this I needed to find time, a very scarce commodity in the parenting game, especially in the infant years of a child’s life. For me, this meant working during nap time, working late at night when my son and wife went to sleep, and sacrificing social activities with friends in order to facilitate weekly wellness groups at a local hospital.  In addition, since time was very limited, it also meant finding one, and only one, focused work activity per day.

5. All or nothing
LIfe balance is never effective when you are splitting your work and personal goals by multi-tasking. This is an unproductive habit that often leads to failure, both as a parent and as a professional. People usually are under the impression that the more taken on, then the more that can be accomplished.  What I learned is it’s important to not get everything done but the right things done. When I'm with my son, I'm all-in, laser focused on quality time and at home development with him. Children crave attention, and they're the first to let you know when you are distracted or ignoring them. Then when it’s time for some work, I gave everything I could to lead myself as focused and productively as possible.

6. Measure

The measures of success are very different in the workplace and at home. Success at work is usually measured by results. At home, it's the opposite. A truly successful home life is more about dedicated time not dedicated results.  We have a saying, “A happy momma, a happy home.” I know that my wife enjoys when we are all together, vibing and laughing. I see my son, and he loves joking around, laughing and having fun with mom and pop. That quality time eases everything in the house, it lessens tension and brings in an air of love and tranquility that makes everything feel good.  So, when my wife turns to me and says, “I like this, us being all happy”, then job accomplished, because seeing her happy makes me happy, and that is how success is measured in my home.

THE GIFT OF APPRECIATION

Today was one of those grumpy days where I didn’t want to wake up, and my body was definitely not looking forward to old man Monday. So as I lay hidden beneath my covers I gave myself a good pep talk. Well more like my son motivated me by twitching my nose repeatedly, asking me if I was awake, and then reminding me I had volunteer work at his school. Sometimes, kids are better than an alarm clock in their own annoying way.

So I jumped out of bed. No, not really….more like slithered out, and tried to keep up with the morning energy of my son. What’s with that? Kids totally have this recharge during the night and they awake pumped, hopping and energized, well at least my son does. Ahhh, youth I miss you so. Anyhoo, is that a word and do guys say anyhoo? Boy I think I need coffee. Anyhoo, see did it again, argh!!! I had some yummy eggs and some java, and headed off to school.

As I hit the street, YOWZA! that’s better I know guys say yowza or is it wowza I get those confused, anyhoo, argh again seriously, well as I was saying, it was colder than I thought, and the crisp wind blowing from the Hudson hit me like a slap to the face. Where is the sun? Where are my shorts and sandals? My inner kid was definitely not happy. So, much to the joy of my wife, I started to complain and whine. Which if you know me, I have a tendency to do as I am a big baby to the cold. I find as I get older, I am getting less tolerant of the cold and snow, and I find myself counting the days to the warmth of summer. Truth be told, I just love the convenience of a simple tee and cargo shorts, yes I know not the most stylish apparel but when you have a pack rat of kid who feels the need to collect anything he finds in his path, those large cargo pockets are not only essential but helpful, so don’t judge.

So back to grumbly daddy. So here I am just a sour puss when I stopped and checked myself. I suddenly realized I was having all this negativity swell up inside, not the norm for someone who likes to live the spirited dad lifestyle of loving all things positive, fun and java infused. But the human habit can be a sneaky culprit as even I can fall victim to negativity as it can easily pop up from time to time ruining one's outlook on the day. So to combat this I stepped back and tried to reframe, refocus and restart, (boy those are a lot of “re” words). But seriously, I really tried to stop my complaining and tried to step into appreciation, and see the gifts of what I had.

So to refocus, instead of looking at winter as this bad thing, I sought to appreciate the benefits of winter and this cold breezy day. Here I was walking with my family, talking and spending some family bonding time with my son on our daily sojourn to school. Honestly there is no better feeling than winter warmth, and the cultivation of that warmth through finding sanctuary in a favorite blanket or huddled close to family as savory hot coco emanates from the kitchen filling the house with an intoxicating aroma. I love the smell of hot cocoa, it truly makes our small apartment feel like a cabin home in the woods. In my house we go through copious amounts of cocoa, not to mention milk, in the winter months, so much so I have actually contemplated getting a cow to fuel our cocoa fix, much to the chagrin of my wife who laughs as we live in a small New York apartment and not on a farm. Probably more information than you needed to know but there it is. So, winter cold, blankets and hot cocoa with the family, where am I going with all this you might ask? As I thought of all these precious often overlooked gifts, I started to smile and feel good inside, immediately experiencing the benefits of mindful appreciation.

Appreciation is a powerful tool as it initiates feelings of hope and optimism. It also opens the door to positivity, as focusing on the positive aspects of a season, things or people will help you to be more mindful of those good things and people you might overlook in your everyday life.

Appreciation also causes your emotions to shift and the energy you would have expended on focusing on something negative and attracting more negative situations, instead moves you to a state of focus toward feeling better and attracting more positive situations into your life. To live in a state of genuine appreciation lifts the spirit up and makes us feel safe. It frees us from the trappings of worry and preoccupation which drain our energy from living a value based life.

That led me to start appreciating the moment with my wife and son, and all the things and people I encountered on my way to my son’s school, and the day just felt a whole lot better. It comes down to this, everyday we're presented with new challenges, but in each day there are also a number of hidden rewards and life gems we often fail to appreciate. Simple things like nature and its awesome majestic beauty, a good meal, a treasured friend, a simple kind act, that job you might not always want to go to but pays you a paycheck that allows you to take nice vacations, all of it is there but we fail to appreciate them and all of the little things in-between.

So appreciate the seasons in all their glory, and look forward to the miracles that are hidden in everyday life for they will open the door to more of life’s gifts now and those that are sure to come. Be mindful of your world and live with a more appreciative mindset. The more specific you can be about what you value in your world, the more positive your impact will be.

I hope this spiritual nugget has served you today.

Warmest regards,

ED

HOW TO BEAT PROCRASTINATION

Have you ever had one of those days when you are ready to get some work done and you get distracted by urges to do other things? Well that's Procrastination, a sneaky culprit who creeps along at the worst time, just when you are ready to be the most productive.

These distractions have many voices, "Maybe I should organize my closet, clean the kitchen or maybe I should just binge watch all my shows so that I can finally clear my DVR." This last one may be just me, but any binge watcher can probably relate. These urges are often seen as mere distractions but often times they go a little deeper than that.

Many of my clients working on productivity issues often ask "Why doesn't the urge to organize or clean hit when I am actually ready? " What it comes down to is this, it's never about the distraction you want to do or get done, it is just plain avoidance! Avoidance doesn't promote a desire to organize, clean or watch TV, but instead it is a sign that the task at hand may contain some level of fear or discomfort.

In situations like these what does the body do? It tries to ward off those uncomfortable feelings by entertaining other activities that are manageable. Now this coping mechanism might be helpful in the moment but it is a short term solution. As we ignore the emergency alerts that our bodies are sending us, procrastination and avoidance set in, forcing us to push off, hide and stop activities essential to living our lives. The more we try to avoid situations or tasks that trigger anxious feelings, soon every situation begins to elicit some form of fear, resulting in an avoidance cycle of burnout and complacency.

So how do you overcome it? I offer the following steps which my clients have found to be really helpful.

1) Stop and Scan
I once worked with a writer who made her living by writing academic journals and reviews. At the time, she was having trouble finishing her projects, or just plain getting started. She complained she was always entertaining other projects, such as organizing her home office or decluttering her closet, whenever she had a deadline looming. This procrastination was dire, as she had missed several deadlines; endangering her job. I observed in our sessions she was getting stuck in her head a lot, obsessing over the need to get her home in order.

So we initiated a Stop and Scan, a self management technique used to ascertain the reality of a presenting situation. As soon as you feel yourself drifting off from the task at hand, stop and check in with yourself. Start with your mind and then move your way down into your body. Start first by asking yourself, "What am I currently thinking?" Now in my client's case she was thinking she wanted to declutter her closet, but that wasn't the reality. It was what she was telling herself, but we had to dig deeper, look for the meta message in her avoidance. So then I asked "Is there any truth to this desire?" Now I advise you to really sit with this question, don't rush. When I asked her this she came to the realization that she actually didn't want to declutter her closet but rather she was afraid to write. The meta message was fear, which caused her to start doubting herself. As soon as she let fear dictate what she would do, which was nothing, she became a prisoner.

2) Be Truthful
When you find what it is that is preventing you from your task then own it. If it is fear then say to yourself "In this moment I am scared". Sit with it for a moment. Be truthful with yourself. It's ok to feel fear, it is a sign you are alive, but what's not ok is to be held prisoner by it.

When you allow fear and avoidance in then you're not a genuine reflection of the real you. You will internalize resentment that will cause you to be unhappy with yourself, ending up disorganized and confused. You'll be confused because you won't know what to do or who to be. To be truthful with yourself takes an amazing amount of bravery. To be truthful demands reflection and a sincere openness to really sit with what stops you, what your fears are and things that are often uncomfortable.

3) Get up and move forward
Sir Isaac Newton said, "Objects at rest tend to stay at rest and objects in motion tend to stay in motion." The same can be applied to humans as it can for apples

Momentum is key in overcoming procrastination. The human body has a tendency to maintain motion when motion is initiated. Basically get done what you have to when you are tackling other tasks. Try to schedule activities in productivity batches. If you find yourself responding to emails then you are already in the flow of writing, so schedule all writing tasks, such as blog posts, social media updates and article submissions at the same time.

So now that you have spent a good amount of time getting clear on why you are procrastinating, it is time for you to make a move forward. Face that fear and break out of that prison.

So ask yourself, “What are the steps I can take right now to get me one step closer to accomplishing my task?" Now the steps don't have to be big or overblown, they can be as big or as small as you can handle, but they must move you forward. The point of asking this question is learning to trust yourself. Learning to pay attention to your instincts and recognize that your inner resourcefulness is always trying to move you in a safe and productive way.

Hope these steps are helpful.

Cheers,

Ed

HOW TO HANDLE DISAPPOINTMENTS

In my sessions with clients many have been asking, “How do I/we manage disappointment?” An underlying theme as of late. Disappointment is a term no one likes to talk about, so of course it is something I need to address. Unfortunately the reality of the human habit is we face disappointments everyday. From the moment we wake up hoping it’s Friday, but in reality it’s Monday, to the end of the day where we hoped to get to bed early but instead binge watched the latest series from Netflix, and now it’s 2am and you have to get up in five hours. Disappointments feel just plain unbearable! No one likes them; I know I sure don’t. It’s that feeling of being let down and defeated that's hard to manage.

So then what are we left with?
How are we to make sense of situations that may seem incomprehensible? Well, sometimes you just can’t, and sometimes things happen that we are powerless over, so in the end we must simply accept what has happened, or better yet we must take a stance of radical acceptance of the situation, so as to decrease the amount of suffering we may be enduring. The optimal words being ‘Radical Acceptance’.

And what is RADICAL ACCEPTANCE?
​Simply put, radical acceptance is the acknowledgement and unconditional acceptance of “what is.” Radical acceptance states that we consciously acknowledge that we have done all that could be expected to change, control, or manage any given situation and presently there is nothing more that can be done and, in doing so, we accept that situation, place, thing or person as it is. This allows us to accept the reality of what is, not what should be.

So by standing strong in your conviction to accept what is, you basically stop the suffering any given situation is causing you. Because the truth of the matter is, you can stop suffering, this we can control. We may not always be able to control how hurtful a situation might be, but we can make the decision to how we manage it.

Situations in life may be hard to accept, and may cause some emotional pain but, again that pain is a byproduct of the human existence and try as we must, we can’t avoid painful feelings. We are not powerless over how much we toil and suffer over the pain of any given experience. By making radical acceptance a daily practice we are empowering ourselves to feel relief from any personal suffering.

Now just to clarify, what I am proposing here is not avoidance or denial. What I am presenting is a self management tool to help cope with situations that you feel out of control about. It also means you are taking ownership of yourself and making a decision to no longer suffer with situational stressors.

As with all things good and bad, disappointments are a part of this journey called life, and as uncomfortable as some disappointments are, they are a natural part of the human existence. We will all experience disappointments in our lifetime, that’s just the way it is. After all we are greeted by a slap on the rear by doctors welcoming us to the world. What is important to remember, and what I try to advise to others is, regardless of what we are feeling right now, these disappointments, and how we deal with them, will determine the merit of our resilience and the quality of our personal lives going forward.

And if you really liked the post, then don’t forget to hit a thumbs up if you liked it or subscribe if you loved it.

Warmly,

Ed

HOW TO LIVE IN GRATITUDE

So the holidays have come and gone. The tree has been taken down, and shuttled off to the curb to become usable mulch. Decorations are all packed and stored in the black hole that is our storage unit. The last of the holiday sweets have been eaten. Resolutions have been made, and broken, good-bye skinny jeans; and some are hanging in there, only two cups of coffee per day, woo hoo!! Yes, I know it needs work but it’s better than the four cups per day I was inhaling.

This year Christmas hit my home like a hurricane and I mean that in a good way. Literally gifts were oozing in every part of our living room. Or to be exact, my son’s gifts were everywhere. It was a never ending barrage of holiday cheer. Each new day started with my son opening a new gift and Dad putting it together and stressing out because the necessary batteries were not included; luckily we have a local CVS nearby for quick jaunts to restock our surplus of AA batteries. All that being said, it was actually a great time.

This year my son ushered in Christmas by running into our bedroom and doing a cannonball onto my belly, alerting me that Santa had paid us a visit. Aside from taking a hit in the ole holiday chestnuts my body was beaming with excitement seeing my son stare at the tree in awe. Sharing in my son’s happiness is truly the high point of the holidays, and a gift I am grateful for.

One of my goals this year is to truly live in gratitude of everything I have, everyday. From the moment I wake up, to the moment I go to sleep, I truly want to live in gratitude of everything and everyone I experience. Physical items may provide momentary joy but they fade, and what is left is the experience of having it and the emotionality associated with it. Life is a gift, a term many of us has heard numerous times, but only because it is the truth. Viewing life as a gift provides new meaning to obstacles we face on a daily basis. A focus on gratitude makes living life more fulfilling, meaningful and productive. Here are some steps I am taking to live in more gratitude and start the year off right.

GRATITUDE IS VALUABLE
Living in a state of gratitude increases the value of everything around you. As your optimism grows so too does your sense of self efficacy. Optimistic awareness increases your focus and helps develop continual growth toward personal development goals.

GRATITUDE IS MORE THAN SAYING “THANK YOU”
To truly reap the benefits of gratitude, your intentions must exist beyond a simple “thank you”. Gratitude cannot be simply just dispatched as if someone held the door open for you or returned a dropped wallet. Instead, personal gratitude requires intentionality and sincerity. The feeling must be genuine from the biggest experience to the smallest encounter. The experience of gratitude will feel meaningless unless it’s reinforced by intentional dedication. Living in intentional gratitude will add more meaning to the relationships that make up your personal world and make work/life more fulfilling and engaged. Research has shown that individuals living with a more heightened sense of gratitude achieve more success in their personal lives and professional careers.

GRATITUDE IS ATTITUDE
To really reap the benefits of gratitude one must “walk the talk”. If you say you are going to being thankful for all that you have, then you have to be intentional about it. One must be “all in” as they say in poker. Habitual positivity and gratitude is key for a successful work/life. Learn to take pride in your work and truly own the strengths you exhibit in your daily tasks and achievements. Expressing gratitude should be a daily ritual in your work/life. Taking a daily inventory of the gifts you have been given and truly taking ownership of the steps you have taken to achieve your personal tasks, will allow a greater shift to a more positive state of mind and increased productivity.

START NOW
Within each individual lies the ability to enrich the quality of our work/life. Developing an attitude of gratefulness is all about living in appreciation of what is here and now. To live in gratitude of all the people, places and things that constantly surround us can bring an increased sense of continual optimism that acts as a barrier to the negativity of situational stressors.

As always the new year is a perfect time to initiate a habit of gratitude in your work/life. Start a daily practice of genuine appreciation at the start of each day, stretching out to those who make up the personal relationships in your world. Remember that no gesture is too small and genuine gratitude needs to come from the heart. It's not simply throwing about a “thank you,” every now and then, but how you show it that counts.

Question:
How can you express more gratitude? Do you have a daily practice of giving thanks for the people around you? Let me know if you do.

Oh, and thanks for reading, I appreciate having you as part of my tribe.

CHEERS,

ED

FLYING DRAGONS ARE TROUBLE

I have been thinking a lot about the significance of Escapism and the role it plays in our lives.

So as the title states, I did indeed ride a flying dragon, and no I am not losing my grip on reality. However, reality is somewhat a misnomer in this experience, as the dragon I rode upon was part of a Virtual Reality simulation, and honestly it was pretty awesome. The immersive hyper realistic sensation of the VR experience was truly incredible. I was lost in the visuals of fantasy and the sensations of flight in the expansive outdoors. Soaring untethered was an overwhelming joy as no matter where I looked all I could see was bright open sky and the uncanny, realistic details of the enormous green dragon whom I rode atop of, scaly wings and all. I have to say the experience was quite addictive, as I found myself re-plugging in at several times because the sensation was really quite exhilarating.

I should note that all this took place standing in the middle of my local Best Buy which had a VR simulation set up through Samsung’s booth via the new Oculus rift, a VR headset powered by a smart-phone. After my fourth session I left the store exhilarated at what I had just experienced. As I left the store, walking the streets of Manhattan felt a little surreal, as if I were questioning the reality around me. I also felt a sense of euphoria, an intense rush of good feeling that put some pep into my step, and kept me otherwise distracted from the feelings surrounding any current life stressors I might be facing. Then, as they say, I started crashing, as the euphoric sensation was hard to hold on to, as it slowly shifted from happiness to sadness. This feeling would stay with me throughout the day and made having an optimistic outlook toward the obstacles facing me difficult to maintain. Once home, I soon came to the conclusion that what I was feeling was a slight dysthymic backlash, as my current life challenges seemed bigger than they were before, and the more I thought of them the more sullen I became. In response all I could think of was, “I wish I could ride that dragon again, and stay in that world.”

THE HABIT OF ESCAPISM

The desire to escape is in everyone, no matter your circumstance. Everyone yearns to escape the boredom of work/life. The lure of escaping the obstacles and challenges of life through fantasy or recreation is all around us, and is something that is profoundly human. From movies, TV, social media and video games, escapism is fun and, instead of dealing with problems, can be at times difficult to fight. What makes the lure so irresistible is it provides a mechanism to forget and move unpleasant feeling associated with life stressors away from the conscious mind, albeit if only for a brief respite. Unfortunately escapism, much like my fanciful dragon ride, is short lived, as the euphoric sensation wears off and our situational stressors remain present, often feeling worse than they did originally. As with my desire to return to the store and engage in the VR experience again, a situation can be compounded by the constant cycle of immersion. This habitual avoidance elevates levels of emotional distress thus increasing a need or ‘dependency’ for relief. Like a hamster on a treadmill, the cycle of escapism can lock you in, making it challenging to break free.

POSITIVE BELIEFS

As with any form of escape, the challenge is avoiding the trappings of dependency. Escapism on one hand can be fun, and with the advent of social media, can be entertaining and interactive, but as of late it seems as if escapism through social media is becoming more of a dependency of connection rather than an escape for fun. Dependency prevents the real ‘you’ from being out there, and impacts personal growth, as well as the opportunity for real relationships and tangible self-created happiness. So how do we avoid the habit of escapism and get off the hamster wheel of dependence? By developing strength based perceptions of challenges and obstacles. As with VR, which augments human perception to break from reality and replace it with a virtual one, we too can break free from the perpetual lure of escapism by developing a positive perception of our own reality. Essentially if your perception of the challenges in your reality is linked with pain, then you will find the desire to constantly escape increase, making reality feel hopeless. If we just focus on what is not right about a challenge in life rather than what is, then we miss opportunities to build self-efficacy. We should never assume there's nothing to improve about a situation or ourselves. Focusing on perceived weaknesses without either taking steps to improve them or giving focus toward our strengths, gets us nowhere. The truth of the matter is, it’s important to always strive to find the happiness in the reality that makes up our everyday work/life. The work you put into finding the positive factors in life will override the suffering caused by its situational problems and will thus change your attitude towards reality and reduce the dependency to escape.

WHAT ABOUT YOU?

Do you see or acknowledge your over indulgence in escapism? Do you find it hard to pull away from social media? Let me know your thoughts in the comments below.

All the best,

Ed Munoz

Loss of work, doesn't mean loss of self

In between thought provoking sessions with clients, I often spend time playing with my son in the park, and watching him thrive in his child world. In the sea of mommies and nannies, you don’t see many men. Today was a refreshing change of pace as I happened upon a fellow dad in the park. He seemed nice, and I introduced myself in my usual enthusiastic manner. He was a pleasant enough fellow, but a little sullen, which could mean one of two things. He was either a sleep-deprived parent, very common in the parenting world, or it was personal. Well it seemed that it was indeed personal and he was a little down because of it. Through our conversation I discovered he was a stay at home dad not by choice but because he had been laid off.

He reported having a tough time without work and being unemployed prevented him from being more ‘present’ at home and in the daily life of his son. He shared that he likes the time he now has with his son but he feels somewhat adrift and lost basically because he does not know who he is without a job or a professional identity. I encouraged him to appreciate the roles he may not be acknowledging, like father, husband and caretaker, three very important roles that trump any corporate job title in my humble opinion. He responded that he didn’t think he offered much at home. I asked him, “Do you play with your kid? Do you make time to be with your wife? Do you hug her when she needs a hug? Do you hug your boy? Are you home when you need to be?” He answered yes to all of these.

I believe many of us often overlook the key leadership roles we play in our personal relationships. This poor individual was not allowing himself to fully own his other identities outside of work. It is important to note that a job is not the only place a person works. We are all very active participants in various roles in the relationships that make up our world. If you do your best as a parent or partner, then you have an identity in your home. You are important just solely for being present in your home, and in the lives of your family and friends, a fact I presented to this man in an effort to offer some support and insight. After several moments, He paused, and replied…”You know I never looked at it that way before.”

And that lack of looking, or of truly perceiving, is the key factor in why I feel most individuals become vulnerable to ‘work engulfment’, a dependency derived from the belief that one can only exist within the context of a certain role. In the aftermath of a loss of employment this engulfment can stir up a sense of identity crisis. During this crisis we can feel as though there is a gap or empty space in our sense of self. Left unchecked, a person can experience feelings of anxiety, low self-esteem, depression, loss of self-confidence and isolation, all of which erode our ability to truly connect in the relationships that make up our work/life.

We continued to chat and I did all I could to help. I sat and listened to him, and allowed him space to vent and just be with his pain and frustration. In ending I told him that I appreciated our time together and valued his company. On my usual walk home through the park, while my son ate his Cheerios (kids sure do love those) all the while belting out Jingle Bells (yes he loves Christmas songs too) I recapped the conversation in my mind. Slowly I felt a pulling at my heart. I truly felt for this man who had felt that a job robbed him of his sense of self. It is unfortunate that for so many individuals, we have been conditioned to allow certain types of employment to be in a position to give us a sense of identity and self value.

The loss of a job does not mean the loss of an identity and sense of self, and our emotional well-being does not rely on external validation but instead depends on how we feel about ourselves.

A loss can be a time for growth and self change. In the moment, the loss is unfortunate but the same initiative that helped get you that job is the same one that will help get you another one. In facing a challenge, people actually have the ability to thrive and discover possibilities to adapt. Transitioning between jobs may result in a different work venue but not a lesser version of oneself. The beliefs and values that you live by will define who you are. If you choose a career path that is congruent with these core values then you will find professional success and personal contentment. If you move into an environment which is in direct opposition to those values and beliefs then that work environment will be uncomfortable.

So dear readers, if you know someone who is unemployed and having a rough time adjusting, or a mom or dad who feels as if they are not being seen or appreciated, reach out to them and reassure them that they are not only appreciated but valued. Assure them that you appreciate them not for their profession but for who they are personally. I think that would be nice.

See on the next post,

Ed

The power of self talk

“It isn’t what you have, or who you are, or where you are, or what you are doing that makes you happy or unhappy. It is what you think about.”- Dale Carnegie

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Many people spend a great deal of time lost in thought. Our minds are many times filled with an ongoing running commentary replaying itself in the background. A majority of all of our desire to consistently move forward toward our goals and our emotional well being is driven by what we tell ourselves, and what we believe.

The ever constant pursuit of more fulfilling employment, recognition, more influence and increased financial wealth, all of it comes down to how healthy our self talk is. So how healthy is our self talk? On average not very good. Why? Because human behavior is not conditioned to focus on strengths but instead is trained to focus on mistakes, weaknesses, fears and negativity. A bummer, right?

In this state of negative focusing, the mind slowly builds a series of patterns that often result in a continuous loop of unhealthy thought processes. Unchecked, these patterns can have a detrimental effect on your health and may prompt a need to escape or self-medicate with drugs, alcohol, food, sex and various risky behaviors. In an article written by the Mayo Clinic ( Positive thinking: Stop negative self-talk to reduce stress) self-talk that solely focuses on negative attributes can induce physical as well as emotional stress, harming your cardiovascular health, gut health and immune system. Think about that for a second, gut health. Next time you have that nagging tummy ache, instead of reaching for the nearest bottle of antacid, maybe you should stop and question what you have been telling yourself.

As challenging as self-talk can be the good news is that you can control what you think. And, if you practice a diligent habit of self awareness, you can replace any negative self-talk with a more positive and productive dialogue. This diligence will pay off because if your self-talk is strength based, meaning it has a focus on life successes and otherwise positive self thoughts, then you will feel better about yourself and you’ll increase your motivation to overcome situational life stressors and obstacles. As a whole, your life will become more enjoyable and fulfilling. To put it simply, more good thoughts, less tummy aches.

It is important to note as with any mental conditioning, the work to stop negative self-talk will not be instantaneous, and like anything else will take effort and patience. But with enough practice it gets easier over time. Please consider the following steps a beginning guide for developing healthy self talk. I have utilized them with clients and have found them to be very helpful, and hope you do as well.

practice awareness and patience

Much of our lives is run on autopilot, so the job everyday is to pay close attention to the mental chatter that occurs in our response to situational stressors. The goal is to not let your thoughts run away from you. Learn to rein them in. Much like a dog on a leash, it is important to tug a little to show who is in control. As you become aware of your thought patterns remember to be patient with yourself; your mind is an archive of years of mental chatter and changing your thinking patterns may take time.

Be careful not to “DEMAND” too much

Much of our thought patterns are often knee jerk reactions to situations, and as such can be instantaneous. In my sessions, my clients often ask why aren’t there signals or signs to alert them to the oncoming wave of negative self-talk. The good news is there are in fact “red flags” to warn us, much of which go unnoticed in our everyday vernacular, and they can significantly shape our mental processes and impact our feelings. These red flags are grounded in extremes and fall into the criteria of “Demandingness” and sound like this: I must, I have to, I should, I can’t. Sound familiar? Demandingness is a core irrational belief that represents intense demands which are not based in reality. These statements can many times be combated by simply focusing on the things you can change and accepting what you cannot.

Don’t make it personal.

An event that isn’t entirely within your control becomes your fault because you see yourself as the cause of some negative external event which in fact you were not primarily responsible for. At work if your team fails to meet a deadline, you may tell yourself “ I am a poor leader”, instead of focusing on what went wrong and correcting the error. At home if your son or daughter receives a poor grade in school, you as a parent, may tell yourself that this shows what a bad parent you are, instead of helping your child understand what he/she did wrong. Personalization is sneaky as it can commonly lead to feelings of shame, inadequacy and guilt. Feelings that can nag at you and undermine your performance at home and work.

Start questioning your self-talk

The top three I always advocate starting with are:
1) Is there actual evidence for what I’m thinking?
2) Is there a more positive way of looking at this?
3) Can I do anything to change what I’m feeling bad about?

Questioning your self-talk will assist in assessing the reality, and more importantly the truth, of any given situation. For example, a mistake at work earns you the label of “loser” or “failure” in your own mind. Questioning challenges that thinking and helps dispute what is not real. Labels are erroneous abstractions that serve little purpose other than to lower self-esteem and live in constant frustration.

relax and write it down.

Practice relaxation and journaling to assist in slowing down and managing your thought patterns. Developing a daily relaxation practice is very beneficial for general health and stress reduction. As part of a dedicated relaxation practice I advise clients to include journaling. Keeping a written record can help clarify thoughts, emotional responses to obstacles and keep track of your progress over time. Many experts have written about journaling, and as such, there is a myriad of approaches to go about proper record keeping and its benefits. How I approach the process of journaling, and it efficacy, is outlined in three simple stratagems.

Describe what you will do to improve a particular situation.

Record what you can do to improve how you experience it

Record and reflect on how you can make the facing situation more pleasant, less uncomfortable and more manageable

The purpose of combining relaxation and journaling is to clear the mind of any clutter that might clog up the process of strategic self-talk. By freeing up space in your mind with more optimistic self dialogue, it allows the mind to focus and utilize untapped self-management resources for any particular situational task at hand.

Question: Which of these steps do you need to focus on developing next to increase your self-talk? You can leave a comment below.

Until next time, be well.

Ed Munoz

Are you a leader at home?

We are all faced with growing demands each day. We are all pulled in so many different directions that there never seems to be enough time for it all. We all expend ourselves at the expense of quality time at home, whether it be time with loved ones, time with friends or just plain "downtime" enjoying that home we spend so much money paying rent or a mortgage on.

In my sessions, the number one complaint I often hear is, “Ed, who has the time?” Sound familiar? As someone who also juggles many tasks at any particular moment, I truly understand the limitations of time and availability. Honestly I do. As of this writing my son is home from school and I am writing amidst the sound of marbles rolling in the background, his favorite toy of choice, the constant call to attention to various creative constructs and the occasional magic trick by Joey Rigatoni, his stage name and at home nom de plume. So when I say, “I get it” trust me dear reader, I do. Throw in the distractions of the pinging email ringing from my phone, and the request for consulting advice, makes for one distracted day.

It seems as though in our fast paced and seemingly socially connected world, the quantity of expected availability is increasing and qualitytime in the small moments that matter is decreasing. The advent of innovation and it’s easy instantaneous ability to respond to work is draining our home values and putting a strain on real relationships, many of which are being replaced by virtual connection through social media. Data is everywhere, and the constant influx of this data in our everyday social world, is forcing us to be "ON" all the time. Hourly email checks, project reporting during dinnertime, social media check ins and status updates to the world have become the seemingly new way to relax.

Now don’t get me wrong, I too enjoy the cool perks of innovation that have developed in the last several years; I know I love my iPad. But I notice that, left unchecked, my attention and time will oftentimes be consumed by these innovations. I have come to learn that I must be diligent with structure and set limits with what takes up that time. I know if I don’t have scheduled time to enjoy quality moments of rest and relaxation with family then I will be of no use to my clients. In my experience working with many overwhelmed professionals, maintaining home/family balance really matters because family stands as a much needed nourishment for a professional’s confidence and well being. But when a leader is not present at home then everything is thrown into disarray, and as a result a leader's effectiveness can slowly erode and undermine his/her performance at work. Leadership at home has taught me valuable life lessons that any leader, whether at home or at work, can use.

Here’s what I found to be helpful.

Work First, Then Play
This a mantra I find myself saying to my son, every time he beckons me to play. It is important to set priorities, make a schedule, and follow a disciplined plan. Children may struggle with this because in child speak, rules and structure are a bummer. But it is important to try and strike a balance and to show leadership in a way that is loving but firm. Remember you are a role model, and if you shirk rules and structure in lieu of play then only disorganization will follow. Your home will be in chaos, your family will lose respect, you will start to lose focus and soon your work will falter.

Take Charge
Be responsible and take initiative in how you spend your time. Facebook, Snapchat and email will always be there but the time with your family will not. Soon your children will grow, and go into the world. And when you do find time to stop, they will be adults. It is important to remember that home and hearth are greater together than apart. Our family, especially our children, have gifts to change the world, but that potential needs time to be nurtured.

Stand firm
Assertiveness is essential to effective leadership in one’s work/life. At home, it is a challenge because we all want to be the “good cop”, but the reality is we can’t. Priorities must be set and structures must be enforced, for the betterment of the household and the sanity of the working professional. This is especially true if you split your time working at an office and at home, as I do. Currently my son is home, and vying for attention. It pains me to have to keep telling him, “Not now son”. But, that is the job of the leader at home. There are times when we as parents have to be clear that there is a time for everything, and some decisions, unpleasant as they are, are not open for debate, whether a child likes it or not. It is essential because soon that child will be out in the world, pulling his weight in Corporate America and will be hit with the reality that work is not always play. Work will entail putting certain fun time off, until his/her priorities are met. And, the more we practice this at home, then the easier it will be to practice assertiveness at work, and manage those teams to be their very best, even if it means that they may not “like” you for a while.

So that’s another post for this week, and as usual, what do you all think?

Are you a leader at home? Do you lead at home as you do at work? What’s holding you back from unleashing the leader within?

Let me know your thoughts, feelings and insights. Please feel free to provide a comment below. And, as always, keep it short, keep it simple, keep it clean and most of all keep it nice.

Until then this is Ed and I will catch you on the next one.